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A single parent's remarriage can be a blessing for the parent and child alike - restoring the structure, stability, closeness, and security tha were lost through divorce, separation, or death. A stepfamily arrangement is often financially beneficial. Moreover, the stepparent becomes an appropriate role model of the same sex as the former spouse.
But creating a stepfamily also requires many adjustments and can be bery stressful for everyone involved. If the stepparent is presented to the child as a substitute for her absent parent, the child may feel torn by her loyalty to her biological parent and may immediately reject the stepparent. There's often a great deal of jealousy between stepparents and stepchildren, as well as competition for the love and attention of the parent who has brought them together. If a child feels that her new stepparent is coming between her and her parentt, she may reject the praent's attention. The situation becomes even more complex and stressful when there are children on both sides who are suddenly expected to accept each otehr's parents and get along as siblings. With time, most blended families do manage to sort through these conflicts, but it requires a great amount of patience and commitment on the part of the adults, as well as the willingness to get professional help if serious problems should develop.
As difficult as the transition may seem at first, try to keep in mind that relationships between stepparents and stepchildren tend to develop gradually, over a period of one to several years, rather than over weeks or months.
An important factor in the development of the step-relationship may be support from the other biological parent. A relationship with a biological parent that precludes closeness to the stepparent may be resented by the child and may make her feel guilty whenever she is emotionally drawn to the stepparent. Harmonious communication among all three (or four) parents can minimize this guilt, as well as reduce the stress that a child could feel when she tries to accomodate the values and expectations of several adults. For this reason, when a child is spending time in tow households, occasional meetings including all of the parents, if possible, may be very helpful. Sharing perspectives on rules, values, and scheduling communicates to the child that all her parents can talk with one another, are mutually respectful, and have her development as a central priority.
In an atmosphere of mutual respect between biological and stepparents, the child can derive the benefits of stepfamilies mentioned earlier. The child again has the opportunity of living in a household with two parents. The remarried parent often is happier and thus better able to meet the child's needs. As the child gets older, her relationship to the stepparent may give her support, skills, and perspectives. These benefits, together with the economic advantages of the stepfamily situation, may give the child a boder range of opportunities.
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