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If you have more than one child, you almost certainly will have to deal with some amount of sibling rivalry. Competition between youngsters in a family is natural. All children want parental affection and attention, and each child believes he rightly should receive all of yours. Your child does not want to share you with his brother or sister, and when he realizes he has no choice in the matter, he may become jealous, possibly even violent toward his sibling.
Sibling rivalry between younger children tends to be most troublesome when the age difference is from one and a half to three years. This is because the preschool child is still very dependent on his parents, and has not yet established many secure relationships with friends or other adults. However, even when the spread is as many as nine years or more, the older child still needs parental attention and affection. If he feels that he is being left out or rejected, he likely will blame the baby. In general, the older the child, the less jealousy he will feel toward his younger sibling. the jealousy is often most intense for preschoolers when the sibling is a newborn.
There may be days when you're convinced your children really do hate each other, but these emotional outbursts are only temporary. Despite their feelings of resentment, siblings usually have true affection for one another. You may have difficulty seeing this, however, since they may reserve their worst behaviour for moments when when you are present, and they are competing directly for your attention. When you're absent, they may be fine companions. As they get older and their need for your complete and undivided attention decreases, their feelings of affection probably will overcome their jealousy of each other. Intense sibling rivalry that lasts into adulthood are rare.
You may notice the first signs of sibling rivalry even before your younger child is born. As the older one watches you preparing the nursery or buying baby equipment, he may demand gifts for himself. He may want to wear diapers again or drink from a bottle "like the baby will." If he senses that you're preoccupied with the baby, he may misbehave or act out in order to get your attention.
This unusual or regressive behaviour may continue after the baby is home. Your older child may cry more frequently, become more clinging and demanding, or simply withdraw. He may imitate the baby by asking for his old baby blanket, sucking on a pacifier, or even demanding to nurse. School-age children often appear very interested and afectionate toward the baby, but are aggresssive or misbehave in other ways to get attention. Among all siblings, the demand for attention is usually greatest when the parents are actively and intimately involved with the baby - for example during breastfeedings or bathtime.
As your younger child gets older and becomes more mobile, quarrrels will erupt over the older child's toys and other possessions. The toddler will go straight for what he wants, without caring who owns it, while your preschooler will jealously guard his own territory. When the toddler intrudes on this space, the older child usually reacts strongly.
Sometimes, particularly when the children are several years apart, the older one is accepting and protective of the youner sibling. However, as the younger one grows and begins to develop more mature skills and talents (in schoolwork, athletics, talking, singing, or acting, for example), the older child may feel threatened or embarrassed by "being shown up." He may then become more aggressive or irritating, or start to compete with the younger sibling. The younger child, too, may experience jealousy about the privileges, talents, accomplishments, or advantages that his older sibling accumulates as he gets older. Often, it is almost impossible to tell which child is contributing more to the rivalry.
It's important not to overreact to jealousy between your children, especially if the older child is a preschooler. Feelings of resentment and frustration are understandable - no child wants to give up the spotlight of parental affection. It takes time for a youngster to discover that his parents don't love him any less because they have a second child.
If your older child starts imitating the baby, don't ridicule or punish him. You can indulge his fantasies briefly by allowing him to drink from a bottle or climb into the crib or playpen, but only once or twice at the most, and don't reward this behavior by giving him extra attention. Make it absolutely clear that he does not have to behave like a baby to gain your approval, love, or affection. Praise him when he acts "grown-up," and give him plenty of opportunities to be a "big brother" (or, in the case of a girl, a "big sister"). It shouldn't take long for him to realize that he benefits more by acting maturely than by behaving like a baby.
If your older child is between three and five years old, try to minimize conflicts over space by guaranteeing some secure, protected area. Separating his private possessions from shared ones will help reduce quarreling.
It's natural for parents to compare their children, but don't do this in front of them. Each child is special, and should be treated as such. Comparisons inevitably make one child feel inferior to the other. A statement such as "Your sister is always so much neater than you" for example, will make a child resent both you and his sister, and actually may encourage him to be messy.
When your children get into an argument the best strategy usually is to stay out of it. Left alone, they probably will settle it peacefully. If you get involved, you may be tempted to take sides, making one child feel triumphant and the other betrayed. Even if they bring their fight to you, try to be impartial and tell them to settle it peacfully on their own. Instead of blaming either one, explain that they're both responsible for creating the dispute and for ending it.
Obviously, you must intervene if the situation becomes violent, especially if the older child might harm the younger one. In this case you must first protet the baby. Make sure the older youngster understands that you will not tolerate such abusive behavior. If the age difference is large or ther is any reason to suspect that violence may erupt, supervise them closely when they are together. Preventing aggressive behavor is always better than punishment, which all too often increases rather than decreases the older child's feelings of rivalry.
It is important to spend time separately with each child. Finding the right balance of attention is not always easy, but if your older child's acting out is becoming extreme, it could be a signal that he needs more of your time.
If the older sibling remains extremely aggressive, or you feel that you don't know how to handle the situation, consult your pediatrician, who can determine whether this is normal sibling rivalry or a problem that requires special attention. The pediatrician also can suggest ways to ease the tensions. If necessary, she will refer you to a qualified mental health professional.
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