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Every year over one million children in the United States are involved in a divorce. Even those youngsters who had lived with parental conflict and unhappiness for a long time may find the changes that follow divorce more difficult than anything they'd expeperience before. At the very least, the child must adjust to living apart from one parent (usually the father) or, if in shared custody, to dividing her life between two homes. Because of financial changes, she may also have to move to a smaller home and a different neighborhood. A mother who stayed at home now may have to go to work. Even if she doesn't, the stress and depression that accompany divorce may make her less attentive and loving with her child.
No one can predict specifically how divorce will affect your child. Her response will depend on her own sensitivity, the quality of her relationships with each parent, and the parents' ability to work together to meet her emotional needs during this time. It will also depend to some extent on her age. In a very general way, you can anticipate how your child will react to divorce based on her age at the time it occurs.
Children under two often revert to more infantile behavior. They may become unusually clinging, dependent, or frustrated. They may refuse to go to sleep, and may suddenly start waking up during the night.
Children between three and five also may act more babylike, but what they may feel is that they are responsible for their parent' breakup. At this age, children do not fully understand that their parents' lives are separate from their own. They believe that they are the center of their family's universe and therefore blame themselves when it falls apart. Boys often become more aggreessive and defiant toward the mother. Girls may become insecure and mistrustful of males. The less contact the child has with the non-custodial parent, or the more tense the post-divorce relationship, the more serious these reactions are likely to be.
Your child's response to the divorce probably will be most intense during and immediately following the breakup. As she grows older, she may continue to think about the past and struggle to understand why her parents separated. For years she may have some sense of loss, which might become especially painful during holidays and on special occasions like birthdays and family reunions.
Most children of divorce wish desparately for their parents to get back together. However, it is much mre difficult for htem if the parents repeatedly attempt to reconcile and then part again than if the initial spearation is final. When the parents act indecisively, the child is likely to become suspicious, confused, and insecure.
In rare cases, a child's behavior and self-esteem actually improve after the parents' divorce. Sometimes this is because the parents are relieved of the tension and unhappiness of an unhappy marriage, and now can give the child more affection and attention. Sometimes it is because the divorce ends and emotionally or physically abusive situation. Often, however, even children who have been abused by a parent still yearn for that parent's love and for the restoration of the family.
Children integrate and mirror their parents' emotions. If her parents are angry, depressed, or violent during the separation process, a child is likely to absorb these disturbing feelings and may turn them against herself. If the parents argue about her, or if she hears her name during their disputes, she may believe even more strongly that she is to blame. Secrecy and silence probably won't make her feel much better, however, and actually may intensify the unhappiness and tension she feels around her. The best approach is to be honest about your feelings but make a special effort to be loving and reassuring with your child. She will have to accept that her parent no longer love each other - and you shouldn't try to pretend otherwise - but make sure she understands and feels that both parents love her just as much as ever.
If your child is younger than two years, you can't get this message across very well with words. You will have to convey it through your actions. When you are with your child, try to put your own pain and worries aside and concentrate on her needs. Keep the daily routine as consistent as possible, and do not expect her to make any other major changes (such as toilet training, moving from a crib to a bed, or, if avoidable, adjusting to a new babysiiter or home arrangement) during this transitional period. In the beginning, try to be understanding and patient if your child's behavior regresses, but if this regression continues even after the divorce is completed and your life has settled back into a regular routine, ask your pediatrician for advice.
If your child is older, she needs to feel that both her parents care about her and that they are willing to put their differences aside when it comes to her welfare. This means that you both must maintainan active involvement in her life. In the past, most fathers gradually withdrew from their children following divorce. Today, courts and psychologists are trying to correct this pattern, in part by making a distinction between phsyical and legal custody. In this way, one parent can be granted physical custody, so that the child can have a home base, while legal custody can be awarded jointly, so that both parents remain involved in decisions about the child's education, medical care, and other basic needs. The child can visit regularly with the parent who does not have physical custody. It is also possible to have both joint physical custody and joint legal custody. This arrangement has the advanteage of keeping both parents fully involved with the child. However, it also may have serious drawback. The child, especially under ten, may feel split between her two homes, two sets of friends, and two routines. Many parents who have joint physical custody find it difficult to manage all the day-to-day decisions about scheduling, birthday parties, lessonsand schoolwork. Unless both parents are fully committed to making this arrangement work, it can lead to more conflict, confusion, and stress for the youngster. Any custody arrangement selected should give a high priority to the children's emotional and developmental needs.
Whatever your custody arrangement, you both, as parents, will continue to play key roles in your child's life. Try to support each other in these roles. As much as possible, avoid criticizing each other. Your child needs reassurance that it's still okay for her to love both of you. She needs you to help her feel that she's safe with either of you and that there's no need for secrets or guilt. If you and her other parent can't actively co-operate, at least be tolerant of each other's minor reservations. Under the circumstances, arguments over how much television your child watches or what foods she eats can cause her far more damage than will the TV or the snacks. If necessary, discuss your concerns when your child is not present. If a child hears her parents trying to undermine each other's authority, she may come to feel that she can't trust either of them or that she can't talk about her feelings openly. An atmosphere of hostility may make it hard for her to enjoy herself with either parent.
As your child reaches age four or five, her life will broaden to include school and neighborhood activities, and she will develop much more complex feelings about her place in the world. You and your former spouse should discuss how she behaves and what she talks about when she is with each of you. Even though you are divorced, you still share responsibility for your child, and you need to work together to resolve any emotional or behavioral problems she may develop. Be especially alert for any signs of low self-esteem, unusual moodiness or depression, or excessive apologizing or self-criticism. These may indicate that she is blaming herself for the divorce. If this is the case, and you cannot convince her that she is blameless, talk to your pediatrician. She may advise you to consult a child psychiatrist or psychologist or other mental health professional.
If you feel very depressed or disturbed after your divorce and cannot seem to regain control of your life, you cannot give your child the nurturing and support she needs and that you wish to provide. For everyone's sake, conuslt a professional for psychological counselling as soon as you realize you are having difficulty.
If your divorce is full of tension and anger, you may worry that the battles will never end and that your child will never recover. While it's true that some of the emotional effects of divorce may remain with your youngster permanently, she will have every chance to grow up healthy and hapy if she receives the love, affection, and support she needs from her parents and other caregivers.
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